A Short and Handy Guide for Nursing Triage, Via Unit Acuity

Floor: Nothing gets done for anybody, for any reason, at any given time.

Stepdown:  Some things get done for some people, for some reason, some of the time.

ICU:  Everything gets done for everybody, regardless of the reason, all of the time (and still, nothing really gets done). 

A Scutmonkey's Guide to Interpreting Your Coworkers' Statements

Attendings
 
What they say: "You're incompetent!" 
What they mean: "Page someone who cares."

PAs
 
What they say: "Yes, I agree, that patient might have an emergent problem. I'll
look into it." 
What they mean: "It's five o'clock, the house officer can deal with that shit,
I'm out of here."

House officers
 
What they say: "I'll be up to evaluate your active chest pain/GI
bleed/hypotensive patient in five minutes." 
What they mean: "I'll be up in an hour, after you've paged me an additional half
a dozen times for worsening condition, or when the code is called, whichever
comes first."


What they say: "I'll put those orders in the computer right now."
What they mean: "You'll have to take a verbal order."

What they say: "The pager system was down."
What they mean: "I turned off my pager/flushed it down the toilet."

Interns/Residents
 
What they say: "Let's just watch the patient for now."
What they mean: "I have no fucking clue what to do next."

What they say: "Let's do a "rule out sepsis." work-up."
What they mean: "I really have no clue what to do."

What they say: "That isn't my patient."
What they mean: "That patient is thirty seconds away from coding."

What they say: "I'm surgical service; you'll have to page the medical resident for orders."
What they mean: "Fuck off, bitch."

Nurses
 
What they say: "Oh! That's a bad assignment you have! Good luck!"
What they mean: "Ha ha! I had that crap ass assignment yesterday, you sorry
bastard."

What they say: "I'm sorry, I didn't have time to do the admission database/give
an enema/digitally disimpact the patient/give the Golytely."
What they mean: "Do I look like I'm stupid?"

What they say: "I had a great day with the demented patient; s/he's really sweet."
What they mean: "The patient will need four point leather restraints fifteen minutes into your shift."

What they say: "The patient is stable, alert and oriented X3."
What they mean: "The patient is swirling the drain and crazy as a jaybird."

Techs
 
What they say: "Yes, I cleaned up that patient."
What they mean: "Except, I really didn't"

What they say: "The patient is asleep."
What they mean: "The patient is totally awake and hungry, I just don't want to go in there and feed him/her."

Housekeeping:
 
What they say: "That's not my room to clean. Page someone else."
What they mean: 'That's not my room to clean. Page someone else."

What they say: "I already cleaned that room!"
What they mean: "The room isn't cleaned."

Transport
 
What they say: "We're sending someone."
What they mean: "When hell freezes over."

Unit Clerks
 
What they say: "What's that noise?"
What they mean: "The phone is ringing. Somebody should pick up the line."

Pharmacy
 
What they say: "That med should really be in pyxis, look again."
What they mean: "I have no idea when we're going to restock that med so quit
calling me."

Midlevel management
What they say: "Yes, I understand your concerns and will look into them."
What they mean: "Fuck you."

Upper level management
What they say :"We care about everyone's point of view and well-being."
What they mean: "Except yours, of course."

What they say: "We all have to work as a team to solve our problems."
What they mean: "Nursing will have to work harder than ever to solve everyone else's problems."

What they say: "We hold everyone accountable to the highest standards of excellence in patient care."
What they mean: "We hold nurses accountable to the highest standards of excellence in patient care. Every one else can fuck up at will."

What they say: "We are preparing for a new and exciting era of productivity and growth."
What they mean: "Get ready for a fifty percent increase in paperwork and bullshit."

All hospital employees
 
What they say: "Have a nice day!"
What they mean: "Fuck you!"